Mirrors, Salt, Skinny Jeans and Other Enemies

It’s a no-brainer. Of course the mirror is Enemy #1.  Some mirrors are more forgiving than others, but they all basically suck. I mean, why subject myself to that? The answer, of course, is that one has to utilize one’s mirror (to apply spackle, grout and concealer) before going out into the world each day. They are really, really cruel, though….and getting meaner every year.

Salt isn’t very kind anymore either. Circa 1975, eating an entire bag of Frito’s in one sitting? Not a problem. Zero puffiness. When I was in my 30’s, the more soy sauce when eating sushi, the better.  Eyes looked fine. 2012? No- or low-sodium soy sauce for me please.  Chuck and I ate Vietnamese food the other night (my first time, and it was delicious!).  I woke up the next morning, though, looking…Vietnamese.

By the way, is there salt in chardonnay? Actually, don’t answer that. I’ll never cut that out of my life. (And besides, it would be painful for me to categorize my beloved chardonnay as an enemy.)

And who “invented” Skinny Jeans? No need to answer that, ’cause I know:  Some long-legged,  lithe,  lean,
I-haven’t-had-a-gram-of-carbs-since-2006, young(er) thing, whose only knowledge of cottage cheese is that it’s called Knudsen and that it can be purchased at Safeway.

So I went to J. Crew last Fall (I was having a “skinny day” that day, as I remember),  paid the requisite $109 for a pair of their trendy, ‘Fall-Into-Fall’ Skinny Jeans. So as to avoid Enemy #1, the dreaded mirror, I brought them home to try them on in the comfort, darkness and solitude of my own home. Such. A. Joke…
My legs looked like overstuffed calzones, and they shortened the appearance of my already-height-challenged, 5’4″-on-a-good-day physique. I looked like I was standing in a hole. My thighs were gasping for air as I quickly unpeeled them.

I now have a $109 credit to J. Crew. I plan to buy a pretty, blousey, of-the-moment  “mumu” soon.

So what/who are the other enemies? Well, for starters, that brat (see above) who invented the Skinny Jeans. And all the gals out there who have the ability to eat rich, salty, spicy food,  who enjoy an adequate amount of wine and stay out past 11:00 on Saturday night, and still awaken the next morning looking all perky and rested, with bag-free eyes.  It just doesn’t seem fair.

As Oscar Wilde said ~ “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” So I guess I’ll forgive them, because I’d love to know that I’m annoying them.

One Response to Mirrors, Salt, Skinny Jeans and Other Enemies
  1. Anonymous
    February 28, 2012 | 7:00 pm

    Thanks Jodie for expressing the feelings of so many. Lois

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About Me

It's true! Despite playing defense virtually all my life against the onslaught of this sometimes-ugly aging process, it...has...arrived! I naively thought I would escape cellulite (the Cottage Cheese) and crow's feet (the Crepe Paper). But I didn't! And why didn't anyone tell me about this emotional roller-coaster that comes with being an Empty-Nester?! My name is Jodie Barringer Myers. I'm a 54-year-old Friday/chardonnay/ hydrangea-loving wife/mom/court reporter living in Sacramento (Gold River!), California. Writing is cathartic for me. And because I look to find humor and humility among the rubble that is my now very peri-menopausal self, I'm hopeful that you will laugh, cry, learn, enjoy and, most of all, relate to what I have to say. After all, we're all in this together, right?

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