Consider this a sort of cautionary tale…
Following is kind of a combination of pearls of wisdom/a to-do list/sage advice to all of you now living out your glorious Thirties.
Go put on your bikini, however skimpy. Now go parade around in it…on a busy street…in a crowded bustling metropolis if you feel like it. Because nothing will jiggle, sway or droop. And you will gross out nobody.
Then go take a gander in the mirror, under that horrid and cruel fluorescent lighting. Your face will look dewy and smooth and creamy and tight. Because it is.
Do you have a big fat ponytail? Rejoice in it. Because there will be a
day when your hair thins and your pony becomes puny, frithy and pithy.
And feel free to put on those extra skinny low-cut jeans. Because goodness knows the only muffin-top you have to worry about now is whether to eat the top off that third banana nut muffin you just enjoyed.
Which reminds me…after eating that third muffin, feel free to indulge in a rather large bowl of ice cream… or cherry pie… or massive hunk of sourdough bread — or whatever your edible guilty pleasures are. Because we both know that your metabolism hasn’t even begun to think about slowing down. (Yes, you’re a brat.)
Do you like to jump rope for exercise? Go for it! Jump high, energetically and often. Enjoy hearty laughing and profuse sneezing now also. Because one day, your bladder will leak profusely. (No matter how many Kegels you do.)
Did you not get enough sleep last night? Poor dear. Out too late? Was your child up all night vomiting? Not to worry. You still look bright-eyed and well-rested this morning.
And don’t worry your pretty little head about consuming too much salt or soy sauce…or drinking that extra glass of wine. Your eyes won’t look puffy and swollen in the a.m. (Brat.)
Go to J Crew. Today. Buy the cutest, shortest skirt on the rack. Because with each passing year, your thighs will get cottage-cheesier and cottage-cheesier, and your skirts will get longer and longer. (Sigh.)
After you go to J Crew, stop by Lululemon. Buy one of those darling headbands. Wear it! Wear it often and proudly and tightly! Because there will come a day when you will not want to flaunt your forehead in public. (Did you really think Michelle Obama got bangs just for the fun of it?)
And speaking of white teeth, display them proudly. Smile a lot. Eat a lot of spinach. (Aka: Don’t worry about certain foods sticking to your tartar-covered teeth.) And don’t fret about those you’re-the-only-one-in-the-pic-that-has-yellow-teeth future photos of yourself. Because your teeth are bright, white and beautiful right now.
Got menstrual cramps? (Oh puhlllllease…) Revel in them. Because, sadly, one day you won’t have them anymore
Do you have your annual Pap smear appointment next week? (Cry me a river…) Be grateful for those doctor visits. Because, woefully, your eggs will one day become all shriveled up, and you’ll need Paps only once every three years.
And if you think hot flashes and night sweats only apply to out-of-shape ladies like your great-aunt Edna, you’d be wrong. So very wrong…
Do you like deep-V or scoop necklines? You go, Girl. The lower, the scoopier, the better. The decade will come soon enough when it becomes imperative that you creatively yet effectively hide your once-flawless decolletage.
And are you tired of having to shave your legs, like, every day? Do not complain. Because when you get to be my age, the hair on your legs grows very slooowly, if it all. But you’ll still need your razor… to shave your beard and mustache.
Speaking of legs, love and nurture
those long, tanned appendages right now. Just don’t freak out when several years from now you get little white spots/dots on your limbs. They’ll be there to stay. (It’s called “hypopigmentation.” Comes with age.) Whatttttever.
Look lovingly upon your lithe, long fingers. Because they will turn pudgy some day. Pinky-swear.
And lastly, don’t forget to — um — shoot. I forgot. Oh, yeah… Appreciate your ability to multi-task and remember the myriad things you have to do and places you have to go. Because some day you will become forgetful, and you will have to make lists for absolutely everything.
Perhaps most importantly, and what applies to us all, no matter what our age? Live today to the fullest. Because these are the good ol’ days.
Now quit rolling your eyes, get your nose out of the air and wipe that smirk off your face, Missy. Because in seemingly the blink of an eye, you too will be 55, sitting at your computer, blissfully, selfishly, reflectively and therapeutically dispensing advice to all of the 30-year-olds out there — who are now like 12-years-old!
Trust me: That ‘Aging’ train’s a-comin’, and it’s a-comin’ fast… right at you.